PATIENCE

I've realized every day since I finished my last post that I needed to write a new one.  Life has been busy lately! I've also struggled to feel inspired or passionate about anything to write, but then I realized that it was this train of thought that kept me from ever starting my blog in the first place.  So today I'm pushing past that train of thought and writing about something that helped lift my spirits and was a great reminder.

 I consider my Christian faith to be one of the most important aspects of my life.  I try often every day to spend time in prayer, and I try to set aside more substantial time to read the Word and be mindful about my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  Sometimes, with being so busy, I have to find ways to squeeze this in; while rocking my son to sleep at night, when I have a few minutes between client appointments, or finally laying in bed at the end of the day.  To make it a little more convenient, I have an app for this!  It's a daily devotion app.  While I don't consider it the same as actually taking out the Bible and reading it, it's the next best thing, and I love the thoughts that go along with the daily verse. 

A couple of days ago, this was the verse from my devotion: Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart; wait, I say, on the Lord- Psalm 27:14.  

I very much needed to be reminded of this.  It seems there is so much going on in my life that I want to happen right now.  I get so stressed, worked up, and overwhelmed and I have it in my head that if certain things would happen NOW then everything would be better.  But I realize that this is not the case.  So many times in life I can look back at situations and realize that if I had gotten some of the things I wanted, when I wanted them my life would probably be a mess and I'd likely be unhappy.  It's amazing how timing really is everything-sometimes!

So I'm trying to be more patient, and endure some of the tough stuff.  I hope that this tough stuff doesn't last forever, and I know logically it can't and won't.  What I really struggle with is obsessing to find a solution.  I am very solution focused.  That is a strength, as well as a vice I have.  Not every problem has a solution, and even if it has a solution, it may not be possible for that solution to occur NOW.  I can work myself into a fit of anxiety with trying to hurry up and wait!  Perhaps I just need to take a deep breath, find the positives about the situation, be courageous, and wait.  

I think this quote sums it up nicely: "The key to everything is patience.  You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it open." -Arnold Glassglow

CRY IT OUT

I've really been wanting to write about the "Cry It Out" (CIO) method for a while now.  The main reason I haven't has been for fear that I would offend someone or hurt their feelings.  Then I realized that I can't have a blog AND have this fear, so I'm over it.  The CIO method is a very big debate now, and has been for many years in the parenting world.  It usually evokes strong feelings in people, as most people seem to be at one end of the spectrum or the other.  Please know, if you are one of the parents that is on the other end of the spectrum than I am, I DO NOT THINK BADLY OF YOU.  I DON'T THINK YOU ARE A BAD OR MEAN PARENT.  IF YOU DID SOMETHING I DON'T SUPPORT OR AGREE WITH, IT'S OK.  YOU DID WHAT WORKED FOR YOU, AND I THINK THAT IS WHAT'S ALWAYS BEST FOR EVERY PARENT AND FAMILY.  So did we all catch that? Good, because I'm not saying it again!


First, let me acknowledge my own fallibility, and where things started with me even contemplating using a CIO method.  COMPARING!!! (see post on 2/1 about this.  I had to re-read it several times to remind myself).  It just seems that everyone I know with a baby now, or who in the past 20 years has had a baby asks "Is he sleeping through the night?" It's like our society is obsessed with this.  It sends the message that if your child (regardless of age) isn't sleeping a solid 10-12 hours, then there is something wrong or abnormal with him or her.  So I started thinking that my son should be doing this too.  Even though he only wakes 2-3 times a night, to nurse for about 15 minutes, then generally goes right back to sleep.  Sometimes he's a little ornery and wants to be awake or play a little, but even that is pretty rare.  This schedule hasn't been affecting my sleep that much, so I didn't think it a big deal.  Until I started comparing and making a problem where there wasn't one.


Regardless, I wanted to know more about the CIO methods, as many people had talked about using it to sleep train their child.  Some parents also use it so as to not "spoil" their baby.  I hate that people actually think that you can spoil a baby.  A baby who is helpless, and has no way to get his needs met, other than by a caregiver.  Meeting a child's needs is not spoiling.  Over-indulging a child's wants is.  Plus, a baby does not have the cognitive capacity to want anything yet or the abilities to manipulate us by crying!!! Yes, they are crying because they need something.  Sometimes it's simply just needing to be held close and nurtured.  If you think this is spoiling, please read the many articles below on attachment.


The attachment theory is something I strongly believe in.  I believe in it because there has been a LOT of research  done on it over the past 40+ years (keep in mind that's much longer than many of the vaccines that our doctors recommend we give our children).  Research consistently shows the necessity of a child to bond with his or her caregiver, which is usually a parent. It also shows the importance of the caregiver responding quickly, and sensitively, and how this develops securely attached children who become healthy adults who are then capable of establishing healthy relationships.   Here is a very brief summary about attachment theory: The central theme of attachment theory is that mothers who are available and responsive to their infant's needs establish a sense of security in their children. The infant knows that the caregiver is dependable, which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world. An abundance of research shows that regular physical contact, reassurance, and prompt responses to distress in infancy and childhood results in secure and confident adults who are better able to form functional relationships.


Study after study have been done over the years to confirm this theory.  I think most parents would agree with this theory, despite the fact that the CIO method goes completely against this theory.  Yes, you read that right.  A CIO method basically ignores what we know to be true about attachment.  Does a CIO method work? Apparently it often does, for many babies and their family.  Does that mean it is safe, or without negative effects? I don't believe so.  I can feel some of your blood pressure's rising as you process this.  Again, read the all caps statement in the first paragraph.  


Much of my thinking is based on my education (Masters degree in Clinical Psychology) and my work experience (13 years now working with children, adults, and families either doing therapy or direct psychiatric care).  I'm a little bit of a crunchy type mom as well.  With that being said, my education taught me to read, conduct, and believe in research that has valid findings.  I use these skills every time I make an important decision.  I have to say, all of the research that I've been wading through provides evidence that a CIO method has so many negative risks.  It can cause long lasting damage.  Does this mean it will? Of course not.  Flying, surgery, rock climbing, eating fast food, smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol; these all have risks of negative results, but many of us engage in some of these behaviors.  I say this to point out that just because something bad can happen, doesn't mean it will.  But if it is HIGHLY LIKELY, then I'd rather err on the side of caution.  So much of the research out there proves that it is more likely than not, that there could be a negative impact on the child if subjected to a CIO method.  


There are many types and variations of the CIO method.  Some where you let the child cry for intervals and offer soothing either in between intervals or crying, or while the child is crying or both.  Some methods say you put the baby in their crib to sleep around 8 pm, close the door, and don't go back in until 7 am no matter what; leaving the baby to cry....for ten minutes, 30 minutes.....all night long possibly.  Or until they vomit or hyperventilate.  Yeah, that sounds healthy.  Proponents of a CIO method will tell you it works, that they were able to get much needed sleep and get their life back.  I'm sorry, but I feel that this is more about US as parents, then about our child and what he or she needs.  I do indeed believe that this type of method can work, but I've read that it takes anywhere from 3-7 nights.  And anytime there is a disruption in schedule or an illness, then it has to be repeated.  As if it isn't torturous enough to the child and parents to do it one round, there has to be multiple rounds? No thank you.   Why would I do this to my child when it simply isn't necessary? Here is what happens physically when a child is left to cry: (taken from one of the articles below.  And since I'm not doing a research paper here myself, I'm not citing anything in this post, but all the articles are below)


"It has been suggested in the past that CIO is healthy for infants’ physical development, particularly the lungs. A recent study looking at the immediate and long-term physiologic consequences of infant crying suggests otherwise. The following changes due to infant crying have been documented: increased heart rate and blood pressure, reduced oxygen level, elevated cerebral blood pressure, depleted energy reserves and oxygen, interrupted mother-infant interaction, brain injury, and cardiac dysfunction. "


And here is what happens emotionally:


"The first phase, labeled “protest”, consists of loud crying and extreme restlessness. The second phase, labeled “despair”, consists of monotonous crying, inactivity, and steady withdrawal. The third phase, labeled “detachment”, consists of a renewed interest in surroundings, albeit a remote, distant kind of interest. Thus, it appears that while leaving babies to cry it out can lead to the eventual dissipation of those cries, it also appears that this occurs due to the gradual development of apathy in the child. The child stops crying because she learns that she can no longer hope for the caregiver to provide comfort, not because her distress has been alleviated."


So bottom line, the baby stops crying because she has given up hope. And trust.  Wow.  That is something I NEVER want to do to my child.  Sleep deprived or not.  But that's just me.  Not to mention all the PROVEN physical distress it puts on a child.  Does this mean I have to be next to or holding my child at all times in order to respond instantaneously? Certainly not, and we all know this isn't possible. But why would I want to just leave him to cry or not respond timely?  Just so you know, most societies don't work like ours,  (busy, busy, stuff-to-do, can't be bothered) in that most non-Western societies "wear" (like the Baby Bjorn, but usually made out of cloth or fabric) their children most of the time.  Therefore they can respond quickly to their children.  Can you guess the crying habits of these children compared to children in our society? Our children were much fussier, cried more often, and for longer periods of time.  Again proving that attending to a child's needs quickly is more beneficial to him or her (and the caregiver and their relationship)!


I could probably go on and on about this topic, as there is just so much to say about it.  What I find particularly interesting is there is LOTS of evidence showing that a CIO method is likely harmful to children.  I couldn't find ANY evidence showing that it without a doubt is not.  If you find some, please share it with us.  What I did find is lots of people (some doctors, some nurses, some parent educators) advocating to use a method that does in fact work for many people.  I didn't find any of these people doing ANY education or awareness about the potential risks or negative consequences (physically and emotionally) of using this type of method.  And certainly if a doctor recommended our child get surgery or begin a medication we would expect that they would inform us potential risks or side effects, right? Seems quite concerning that those urging us to use this method are keeping this vital information hush hush.  Much like telling you to give your child "these" vaccinations but not explaining what's in them, potential risks, etc.  But I've already addressed that soap box, I guess.  


I've said this before, and I'll say it again, it is OUR responsibility as parents to make the best and most informed decisions for our children.  Just because the doctor recommends it, or your well intentioned friend, sister, mom etc says it will work, doesn't mean it is best for your child.   We live in a culture focused on instant gratification.  Give it to me now, fix this now, no time to wait.....yada yada yada.  Part of being a parent is making sacrifices and suffering! Hopefully not all the time, but likely for a lot of it (might as well accept it now).  Hopefully the good and happy moments outweigh the tough ones.  Although we may have to learn how to function on a few hours of sleep.  We may be grumpy at times.  We might have to actually hold our little bundle of love instead of getting on Facebook or making that phone call.  But WE are adults.  We have the skills and resources to figure out how to problem solve and cope with life's stressors, as well as prioritize what is important and what can wait.  If we don't then we need to get some help and probably hold off on having any more kids for the time being.  I know my child is worth making sacrifices for, so I will continue to do so.  


As I've started researching  CIO and sleep training, I have also been making a few changes with my son to see if I could possibly lengthen the amount of time between wakings at night.  I know I said I didn't feel like there was a problem with his sleeping, and I don't think there is.  However, I did find a lot of research showing that consistent solid sleep without waking is highly beneficial to babies.  So I figured if there were some things I could do to promote this that were safe, easy, and healthy, why not give it a try.  So I made the following small changes: I moved bath time from morning, to every night around the same time.  While keeping lullaby music on, after bath time we put pajamas on and then it's the last feeding before bed.  I have also started giving him 2 oz of pumped milk in a bottle after he nurses.  I've also turned the night light out that I had been using, to where it is much darker and turned on white noise all night long.  Prior to these changes he had been waking every 3 hours from his last night feeding until time to get up in the morning (some slight variation here and there).  So night 1 he went 3 1/2 hours, night 2 he went 4 1/2 hours.  Night 3 he went 6 hours, and night 4 he went 8 hours.  It may be a fluke.  I don't know, but it's working.  Maybe my attitude about responding to him has changed and became more positive.  I have no idea.  If he goes back to every 3 hours, I'm more than okay with that.  It's just more time I get to snuggle and love on him, and it's soo worth it!  I have ordered a couple books about sleep training and nap training that I'm excited to read about.  They are:


No Cry Sleep Solution and No Cry Nap Solution both by Elizabeth Pantley.  I'll let you know what I discover from those readings.  


Here are the links to the articles and studies I read about CIO method, attachment, etc  Please note that every article is either based on research itself or is citing research.  Good luck!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out

http://www.childwitnesstoviolence.org/uploads/2/5/7/9/257929/higley._dozier_sleep_article1.pdf

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/201110/why-young-children-protest-bedtime-story-evolutionary-mismatch

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/#.TzQFDMWZ3yJ

http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/sleep.html

http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/sleepstudies.html

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/science-says-excessive-crying-could-be-harmful

http://drbenkim.com/articles-attachment-parenting.html

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/infant/sleep/coddle-or-let-the-kid-cry-new-research-awakens-the-sleep-training-debate/article1674049/page2/

http://www.city-data.com/forum/parenting/137936-harvard-researchers-say-cry-out-wrong.html

http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/newborns/case-against-ferber-sleep

BEING MINDFUL

As part of my job, I facilitate a type of therapy called DBT (dialectical behavior therapy).  Part of doing this therapy requires that I participate in a consultation team/group with other therapists that areeither currently facilitating DBT, or being a support person who at some point will do so.  This group is where we practice the skills that we are teaching clients, get support from one another about our own struggles and ways to manage them, find ways to improve and expand our program, etc.  A big part of DBT, and something the team practices regularly when we meet each week is something called mindfulness.  In short, mindfulness can be described as paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.  


I can say from experience, it is a very difficult skill to use, however it is so helpful and enlightening.  Some people might wonder why it is useful, or think it to be silly and simplistic.  In our fast paced world we are so focused on multi-tasking and thinking a million and one crazy thoughts all at the same time, that we are rarely EVER fully present in what we are doing in the here and now.  Sometimes when I'm driving or cleaning it really dawns on me how easy it is to be set on auto-pilot and going about the task at hand, but my mind is somewhere else completely.  Kind of scary when I realize it's happened while driving and I can't recall going through a town; not that big of a deal if I'm unsure if I did or didn't mop half the kitchen floor.   


But how sad is it that we do this when we are participating in the GOOD and the (supposed to be) pleasurable stuff in life? So instead of soaking up and really appreciating the amazing beach views on our vacation, we are already worried about everything we have to do when we get home.  Are you guilty? I have been too, a lot.  Have you ever noticed how amazing food tastes when you really focus on each bite, noticing the different ingredients, textures, smells (for those of you who can),etc? We did an exercise in team where we put a Hershey's kiss in our mouths and had to let it melt and just notice and be mindful of everything about that little piece of chocolate.  Under normal circumstances, if given a Hershey's kiss, most of us would have tossed it in our mouth and barely even noticed it, then reached for another one (or 5).  I have to say, it was the best Hershey's kiss I ever ate.  Imagine applying this on a bigger scale to the important things in life.  


I remember when my husband and I were dating and we took (an amazing, yet crazy) trip to Ireland with a group of about 20 friends.  While it was a great time, I was often so distracted by the many happenings amongst us all, that I wasn't fully able to take in all that amazing beauty.  I remember going to the Cliffs of Moher, but I was so focused on how cold my feet were and so worried that we would somehow fall off the edge, that it's now difficult for me to recall the complete majesty that surrounded me that day.  And I don't have the friends to blame for distracting me, because it was just my husband and I there.  Sadly, I know the pictures I took don't even come close to doing it justice.  I intend to go back someday and really soak up those cliffs, as well as everything else in Ireland.


I'm really trying to put mindfulness into practice with the people in my life.  Especially my son.  I hear so many people saying "Enjoy it now, they grow up so fast," and "He won't be a baby for long." How true this is.  I don't want to look back on his first few years of life, of any of them for that matter, and disappointedly realize that I was so busy and distracted by life's mundane tasks and hassles that I didn't take in and truly enjoy every second of his preciousness that I could.  I'm also trying to be better at this with my husband.  When he is out of town it is difficult for us to find time that we can have more than a 5 minute conversation on the phone at one time.  I often find myself typing an email or filing something (ok, or catching up on DVR'd Jersey Shore), while talking to him.  That's not fair to him.  He deserves my full attention.  His words matter and I should be mindful of taking them in and showing him love and concern by being fully in the moment and conversation with him.  I'll try harder, and do better.  It's a great place to start.  


We can all improve our ability to be mindful.  All it really takes is practice.  To start practicing you can google mindfulness and you'll discover a ton of exercises and ways to practice this.  I've been surprised by how much more aware of doing it/not doing it I have become.  When I remind myself to be mindful and in the moment, I seem to get more out of whatever it is I'm doing, and enjoy it more.  I think you will too.  


On a side note, you may find a lot of references to Buddhism or other such religions pertaining to mindfulness.  This may concern or bother some Christians.  Practicing mindfulness does not mean you are somehow being sacrileges.  Prayer and meditation are forms of mindfulness, so please do not get caught up in where the term originated.  


“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are

 attentive, you will see it. ” 

― Thich Nhat Hanh 

BEING RIGHT

Over the next few days or weeks, I will probably write a lot about the knowledge I gain from the cards of the Four Agreements that I've started using in therapy.  These cards are adapted from the book The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz.  These agreements are so empowering and inspiring, and are a way to help us attain personal freedom and true happiness.  The four agreements are : 1)Be impeccable with your word, 2)Don't take anything personally, 3)Don't make assumptions, and 4)Always do your best.  There are 12 cards in each of  the 4 agreement areas.  I'll put a link at the bottom for both the book and the cards, in case anyone is interested.

The card I picked today is from the Be impeccable with Your Word agreement.  The card says: Release the need to be right.  On the back it states: "When you believe something, you assume you are right, and you may even destroy relationships in order to defend your position.  Let go of the need to defend your position."

This really hit home with me when I read it today after I could recall about 5 instances this morning in which my husband and I engaged in meaningless 2-3 minute bickering sessions in which we both were trying to prove we were right about something.  To give you an idea of how silly and pointless these debates were, here is one of the scenarios: We were leaving church and my husband was holding our son.  I put the car seat down so that he could put the baby in and we could get going.  One of the blankets we use to cover him in the seat and keep the wind out was down in the seat, so I moved it.  My husband asks me, "Why did you move the blanket? Now you have to put it on the seat all over again when it was already there." Me: "No, it wasn't where it was supposed to be, if I hadn't moved it, he would be sitting on it, and then we would have to pull it out from under neath him." Husband: "No it was on top where is was supposed to be." And so on, and so on this silly debate went for about 3 minutes.  On the way out my step-daughter asks "What in the world are you guys arguing about?" What indeed.

Again, this was only 1 of about 5 of these types of conversations that occurred.  I know that my husband and I are not the only ones guilty of these petty discussions(are we?), and the need to prove we are right.  So when I read about letting go of the need to defend your position, I thought, wow, how empowering.  I can think I'm right in my head, and not have to waste time, energy, and brain power defending why I think I'm right.  Sounds simple, huh? I already know this is much easier said than done, but I feel it's worthwhile enough to try.  How much better to spend my time saying important, helpful, and loving words than defending nonsense.

I kind equate this to the old "Pick your battles" advice.  I say this because if it is an important issue, one that I really feel necessary to voice my opinion and hash out, then I'm going to do that.  Where the blanket actually was this morning was not one of these situations.  So I hope that any of you reading this will take some time and examine your own need to be right, and that you may also start trying to let go of that need.  Good luck!

The 48 cards:

http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-48-Card-Deck/dp/1561708771/ref=pd_sim_b_17

The book:

http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319

COMPARISONS

I think as a human, it is innate for us to compare ourselves with others. Sometimes, this can be healthy and motivating (ie, if I want a tight butt like hers, I probably should forgo this chocolate fudge cake and take a run). Other times it can be unhealthy, and cause us to feel negatively about ourselves. This in turn can lead to more serious problems like anxiety and depression.



Being a parent we enter into a whole new realm of comparisons however. I find this especially true being a new parent. My friend “Sally’s” daughter is the same age as my son and sleeps a solid 8-9 hours without waking. My co-worker “Michelle” can pump 3 times the amount I do at each pumping. My friend “Denise’s” husband gets up at night and changes the baby’s diaper while she gets relaxed/ready to nurse the baby. My cousin “Brenda” had her daughter vaccinated using the standard schedule and had no problems. And on, and on, and on my brain goes. The end result of all these comparisons is this: I end up making problems where there aren’t any.


Speaking honestly, I would love it if my son did in fact sleep through the night and I got an uninterrupted night’s sleep. But just because I don’t, and he gets hungry more often and wants to eat(who can blame him, so do I), doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with him, or me. My son is very healthy, and an extremely happy and entertaining child. My cousin Kara (and yes, that’s actually her name, so no “ “) gave me some of the best advice when I was pregnant when she reminded me not to compare my son with other children, or to the way other parents do things. How could I forget such great advice? I’m not sure, but I did, and still do. Every time I talk to someone about their child! Like I said, I think comparing is natural-initially. However, it can become a bad, bad habit. It is appropriate to make sure my son is hitting developmental milestones and is physically healthy, just as getting other parents perspective on the way they do things can be helpful (read this book, try this trick).


If we get stuck in comparison mode, then we again make problems where there probably aren’t any. We wind up giving ourselves undue stress and worry, and we lose sight of the greatness in our own lives. SO, I remind myself that my husband is a wonderful father and husband for many reasons, even if he does get to sleep while I am awake (I won’t breast feed forever). I keep in mind that my son used to wake up every one and a half to two hours, so we’ve made a lot of progress going 3-5 hours. I keep in mind that I am pumping enough milk to keep my son growing and happy, and I might not get time away as frequently as I would like. Parenting requires sacrifice, and I knew that going in.


So creating balance is key. Finding the positives is necessary. Focusing on what is going right, instead of what COULD go wrong is essential. And being grateful that we, just like our child, are unique and precious individuals. Thank God for that! How boring would this place be if we were all alike?


I wanted to write about this because I know we are all guilty of this comparison trap, parent or not. Let’s not lose perspective of how great we are. Sure, so-and-so is fit, firm, only buys/eats/cooks organic, has a fantastic job, a fancy house, her kid never cries, yada yada yada (if you know/find this woman, please connect me with her so I can inquire about her many secrets). That doesn’t make her better than me, or you. Can’t we all be fabulous in our own ways? The answer is yes. So remind
yourself right now about some of those things that make YOU wonderful. 


Remember, “Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.” ~Unknown