I just finished teaching a 4 part marriage class. One week the topic was intimacy. While preparing for the class, I was really reminded, as in smacked hard in the face reminded, about what it really takes to have true intimacy with your partner. It's vulnerability. Being vulnerable is hard. Did I say that already? Yup. But I want YOU to get that I GET IT. It doesn't matter if it's with the person you feel the closest bond with, it's still hard. Opening yourself up, saying, "Here I am, open and ready to give and receive love knowing full well you might (and surely being human, at some point will) hurt me," is super scary. But I know I don't do it enough. I have tended to hang on to hurts. I have used them like a shield to deflect ongoing efforts that my husband might make to try to connect with me. This only ends up hurting us both, and decreasing the intimacy in our relationship. I know why I have done this-to protect myself; to stay safe. If I don't open myself up, then I don't get hurt, right? Maybe. However, along with that comes a whole lot of good stuff I'm missing out on. Like the deep love and connection that comes with healing, and forgiveness, and being imperfect and human.
So knowledge is power. And there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. Every person, as part of many of the couples I have talked with personally, who have had longevity, happiness, and a deep loving connection in their marriage, all seem to have some things in common (sorry, that was a lot of commas, and probably not grammatically correct. Hang with me). These people all seem to know how to forgive, heal, let go, and continue to be open to love and hurt again.
It sounds so backwards. Or at least backwards to me. Allow myself to get hurt? Uh, no thanks! I'll just play some good offense and do my best to never do any of that hurting stuff! Puuuh-lease! Yeah, I'm human too. And I mess up plenty. I'm so thankful that my husband gives me so much grace and forgiveness and is awesome about forgetting and really letting it go. Please don't mistake what I'm saying in all this. I'm not saying that people shouldn't be held accountable for their hurts-they should. People should also do their best to apologize, make amends, and repair the relationship when a hurt occurs. Likewise if negative patterns or habits are occurring, then this needs to be addressed and dealt with. What I'm really getting at though, is the fact that we sign up willingly to be with this imperfect and wonderful person. The only true way to stay the most connected with them, is by allowing ourselves to experience everything that that commitment entails. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the super ridiculous wow you really screwed up, ugly.
I'm still a work in progress myself. What I'm learning though, is that life truly is too short to be focusing on what is wrong, bad, or hurtful. Too much time and energy get spent on our wrongs. We need to be focusing on the good stuff. The good stuff that really and truly matters. That's what keeps us going day in and day out, after all. So let's be mindful. Let's be today focused. What has your person done for you lately that was awesome? Put your energy and heart into focusing on that! More importantly, what have YOU done for your person? Love, share, give. Be open. Go out on that limb and BE VULNERABLE. I know that it will only enhance your love and your bond.
I love quotes, and I think this one from Dr. Brene Brown sums it up well: "Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can't ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment's notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow-that's vulnerability."
Love and be loved.
So knowledge is power. And there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. Every person, as part of many of the couples I have talked with personally, who have had longevity, happiness, and a deep loving connection in their marriage, all seem to have some things in common (sorry, that was a lot of commas, and probably not grammatically correct. Hang with me). These people all seem to know how to forgive, heal, let go, and continue to be open to love and hurt again.
It sounds so backwards. Or at least backwards to me. Allow myself to get hurt? Uh, no thanks! I'll just play some good offense and do my best to never do any of that hurting stuff! Puuuh-lease! Yeah, I'm human too. And I mess up plenty. I'm so thankful that my husband gives me so much grace and forgiveness and is awesome about forgetting and really letting it go. Please don't mistake what I'm saying in all this. I'm not saying that people shouldn't be held accountable for their hurts-they should. People should also do their best to apologize, make amends, and repair the relationship when a hurt occurs. Likewise if negative patterns or habits are occurring, then this needs to be addressed and dealt with. What I'm really getting at though, is the fact that we sign up willingly to be with this imperfect and wonderful person. The only true way to stay the most connected with them, is by allowing ourselves to experience everything that that commitment entails. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the super ridiculous wow you really screwed up, ugly.
I'm still a work in progress myself. What I'm learning though, is that life truly is too short to be focusing on what is wrong, bad, or hurtful. Too much time and energy get spent on our wrongs. We need to be focusing on the good stuff. The good stuff that really and truly matters. That's what keeps us going day in and day out, after all. So let's be mindful. Let's be today focused. What has your person done for you lately that was awesome? Put your energy and heart into focusing on that! More importantly, what have YOU done for your person? Love, share, give. Be open. Go out on that limb and BE VULNERABLE. I know that it will only enhance your love and your bond.
I love quotes, and I think this one from Dr. Brene Brown sums it up well: "Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can't ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment's notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow-that's vulnerability."
Love and be loved.
