Filling buckets

I often have such big gaps of time between blog posts, that I forget how to access the page where I can make said posts. My biggest fear in writing is that what is on my heart and mind is not profound enough to touch or reach anyone. Then I remind myself that I didn't start this blogging business for anyone but me. However, I've got a pretty good feeling about this post. I guess consider this a friendly warning: If you don't find this one at least a little profound....well, you just should.

My oldest son, who is 3 1/2 has been more into books lately. He loves all the books in his and little brother's collection, but of course he gets bored hearing the same stories over and over. Recently, we have discovered that there are 3 Little Free Libraries within reasonable stroller pushing/ walking distance. If you are unfamiliar with what a 'Little Free Library' is please google it. It's such a wonderful resource for kids and adults alike.

So yesterday both my sons and I went on a walk and visited a couple of the libraries and picked out 2 books. We didn't get time to read either until this evening. One was a little pamphlet type book about Amphibians. It was, meh. Now the other book, that book was fanfreakingtastic! And also the inspiration of this post. The name of the book is Have You Filled a Bucket Today? It is 31 brief and colorful pages of awesomeness.

To give you the gist of the story, it's basically this: Everyone, everywhere, everyday carries around an invisible bucket. Our buckets have the sole purpose of holding our good thoughts and feelings about ourselves. When our bucket is full, we feel good; with an empty bucket we feel bad/sad. Other people are necessary to empty and fill our buckets. Love, kindness, nurturing, care, and concern all fill up our buckets.  But actions such as making fun of, ignoring, bullying and other mean behaviors (like judging) dip into others' buckets.  Also, when we fill someone's bucket, we fill our own. BUT, we never fill our own bucket when we dip into someone else's bucket.

After reading this book to my sons, I was very excited, and so were they! The oldest, I think, because he mostly understood this whole bucket concept. (He proved this to me at dinnertime by eating part of my food and then acknowledging this made me sad and he had "skipped" out of my bucket.  It's pretty darn close. Yup, my kid is an emotional genius. Insert winky face Emoji here.) My younger son seemed excited because he can consistently put his rear in the air and his head on the floor without falling over. He's only 14 months, so I'll give him a pass. I was excited because of what a great and simple analogy this is! I felt a little stupid thinking that, being a mental health therapist and all, I'd never heard about building other's up or tearing them down put in such an understandable little package.

I started to think about the clients I work with, who are primarily couples in marriage counseling, working on improving or saving their marriages. It dawned on me that many of these couples (many times no different than myself, my friends, or anyone else) spend a significant amount of time dipping out of their partner's buckets. Often for reasons that feel very valid and justifiable. During sessions we tend to  focus on areas such as communication, conflict resolution, intimacy, roles, parenting, etc. I realize now, while focusing on the bigger issues and goals, that I might inadvertently gloss over or miss the simple and small stuff that needs to be said or addressed. Like: JUST BUILD EACH OTHER UP! Fill each other's bucket! (Among other things. I don't want to portray that this is the only thing necessary to make relationships healthy and happy. It takes a whole lotta stuff. Like hard work. And effort. And time. And energy. I Hope you get this point).

In the marriage seminar I recently taught I closed each of the 4 classes by highlighting how showing your partner kindness and gratitude can go a very long way to help keep and/or make  your relationship healthy and make each person happier.  Today I found a profound way to illustrate that. Two thumbs up for the Little Free Library.  Happy bucket filling!!!

vulnerability

Being vulnerable is hard.  Really.  Super.  Hard.  This probably isn't news to anyone, but I'm going to write about it anyway.  It's not something I've ever been very good at, at least not until the past few years.  I'll chalk that up to true love and a lot of learning about what it really takes to make any relationship...well...real and ongoing.

I just finished teaching a 4 part marriage class.  One week the topic was intimacy.  While preparing for the class, I was really reminded, as in smacked hard in the face reminded, about what it really takes to have true intimacy with your partner.  It's vulnerability.  Being vulnerable is hard. Did I say that already? Yup.  But I want YOU to get that I GET IT.  It doesn't matter if it's with the person you feel the closest bond with, it's still hard.  Opening yourself up, saying, "Here I am, open and ready to give and receive love knowing full well you might (and surely being human, at some point will) hurt me," is super scary.  But I know I don't do it enough.  I have tended to hang on to hurts.  I have used them like a shield to deflect ongoing efforts that my husband might make to try to connect with me.  This only ends up hurting us both, and decreasing the intimacy in our relationship.  I know why I have done this-to protect myself; to stay safe.  If I don't open myself up, then I don't get hurt, right? Maybe.  However, along with that comes a whole lot of good stuff I'm missing out on.  Like the deep love and connection that comes with healing, and forgiveness, and being imperfect and human.

So knowledge is power.  And there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors.  Every person, as part of many of the couples I have talked with personally, who have had longevity, happiness, and a deep loving connection in their marriage, all seem to have some things in common (sorry, that was a lot of commas, and probably not grammatically correct.  Hang with me). These people all seem to know how to forgive, heal, let go, and continue to be open to love and hurt again.

It sounds so backwards.  Or at least backwards to me.  Allow myself to get hurt? Uh, no thanks! I'll just play some good offense and do my best to never do any of that hurting stuff! Puuuh-lease! Yeah, I'm human too.  And I mess up plenty.  I'm so thankful that my husband gives me so much grace and forgiveness and is awesome about forgetting and really letting it go.  Please don't mistake what I'm saying in all this.  I'm not saying that people shouldn't be held accountable for their hurts-they should.  People should also do their best to apologize, make amends, and repair the relationship when a hurt occurs.  Likewise if negative patterns or habits are occurring, then this needs to be addressed and dealt with.  What I'm really getting at though, is the fact that we sign up willingly to be with this imperfect and wonderful person.  The only true way to stay the most connected with them, is by allowing ourselves to experience everything that that commitment entails. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the super ridiculous wow you really screwed up, ugly.

I'm still a work in progress myself.  What I'm learning though, is that life truly is too short to be focusing on what is wrong, bad, or hurtful.  Too much time and energy get spent on our wrongs.  We need to be focusing on the good stuff.  The good stuff that really and truly matters.  That's what keeps us going day in and day out, after all.  So let's be mindful.  Let's be today focused.  What has your person done for you lately that was awesome? Put your energy and heart into focusing on that!  More importantly, what have YOU done for your person? Love, share, give.  Be open.  Go out on that limb and BE VULNERABLE.  I know that it will only enhance your love and your bond.

I love quotes, and I think this one from Dr. Brene Brown sums it up well: "Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can't ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment's notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow-that's vulnerability."

Love and be loved.