So after an extended (and unintentional) hiatus, I'm trying to get back at this. I've had so many topics I've wanted to write about, that my mind has been overly stimulated and hard to focus! I picked today's post because it is something that I've struggled with a long time, but also something that I'm finally getting better at.
My husband would say I'm the type of person to hold a grudge. I would say I'm the type of person who when hurt, experiences this hurt deeply, and has a hard time healing from this hurt, and needs more time than the average bear to "get over it." That is if bears feel emotional pain, I guess.
Somewhat recently, aforementioned husband was on the giving end of some of this emotional pain. I'll be the first to say, my husband is a wonderful husband, man, father, friend, etc. However, he isn't perfect, so all of you reading this who know him, accept this hard to believe truth. Yes, he is fallible; sometimes horribly fallible.I know this logically, but sometimes I still find myself amazed when he does something that is hurtful. I'm sure we all feel that way when someone we care about makes this mistake. I won't get into what he did, as I don't necessarily feel it's relevant to the point of this post. But I will say that it is something that he has done before. It's difficult for me to forgive and forget being hurt in the first place, especially if I've been assured that this behavior wouldn't be occurring again. This thought, as well as many others sticks with me when I've been hurt. It's accompanied by, "How could he?" "Why would he?" "It hurts so much!" "I don't deserve this!" And a million other thoughts that keep me holding onto my hurt and anger.
I don't want to hold onto this hurt and anger, but for some reason it just keeps sticking around. It's like a heavy bag that I carry around every day, dumping a little of the hurt and anger out, until eventually somehow it feels like the bag is empty, and I can move on, and am able to fully "forgive." So this would make it seem, for me, that simply the passing of time is the only way to let go of the hurt. And I still think, depending on the hurt, that it is the only way. I guess it's the old adage of "Time heals all wounds." In some cases it does. However, there is one BIG problem with this. The more time that I spend wallowing in my hurt and trying to get over it, but really hanging onto it, the more time I have wasted. If it takes me a week to get over the hurtful thing my husband has done, then during that week there have been hundreds of opportunities for us to connect, love each other, nurture each other, share in fun and laughs, appreciate our son and daughter together, and grow as a couple. Those are moments and opportunities that we won't get back.
I wanted to share with you the phrase that has helped me realize that holding onto negative life events takes away from the opportunities to enjoy the good. It came from one of the 4 agreement cards that I talked about in the post on 2/5/12. It says:
Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. Letting go of the past means that you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now.
When I read this for the first time, a light bulb clicked on. It almost brought me to tears because it felt so powerful. When I read it, I was thinking about some past anger that I had (not husband related), and my desire to let go of it, but feeling like it was impossible. Reading this gave me hope. It brought me awareness that all the time, energy, and effort put into holding onto ANYTHING negative that has happened to me, only keeps me from enjoying the goodness that is right in front of me right now. So I have been using this phrase to remind myself that since life is indeed short, I need to relish in all the positive, happy, great moments. I need to let go of what is already done. I can't change it. It is what it is.
Does this mean that I don't get hurt, upset, or angry anymore? Hek no. And I expect that throughout my life, this will continue to happen, not only because of my husbands actions, but because of the many other people in my life that are also human and fallible. But I am trying to slowly change my thinking about it. I want to enjoy that dream in front of me right now, because it's a good one. I bet yours is too.
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